I am the most selfish person I know. And yes, I mean that in a good way. I'm selfish in the Ayn Randian way - not in the way that altruistic virtue signaling people think about selfishness, that is, putting down others to climb higher. I put myself first with means of integrity, and I think everyone should put themselves first with means of integrity.
But I can't be selfish right now.
I learned this week that even if you do things right in life, or especially if you do things right in life, there will come a time when you need to put someone else's needs first. Something will happen that isn't about you, and making a huge deal about your needs at that time would make things so much worse for everyone - including yourself, in the end. So you don't. You shut up and do as needed.
But is that really unselfish? Maybe you get some sick sense of satisfaction from knowing that you pushed your ego aside and took the high ground?
You probably know at least one person who seems to relish the idea of being the "responsible one" or the one who is "willing to sacrifice themselves" for others. They don't say it out loud, but it silently emanates from them. They have this look of condescension towards others, caused by their self-righteous and holy sense of ego.
Yeah, hopefully that's not me. Maybe that was me if I was here, in a city far from home, and just sat and waited (with the condescending smirk) to be told how to contribute to the situation. But I took my laptop with me and have taken time to work every day. I've made sure to take care of my own health by eating and taking showers and sleeping well. And drinking tons of coffee.
So this is definitely not about me. But am I secretly basking in the knowledge that I'm such a good and selfish person by NOT being that self-righteous holy person with the condescending smirk?
Fuck. I need to stop overanalyzing this.
This is not about me.