Am I lazy or is it the pandemic

. 2 min read

I stumbled upon an article in a random lifestyle blog and was flabbergasted because it seemed to suggest that it's okay not to do your best at the moment.

Are you serious? Someone else is feelign unproductive as well?!

I'm notorious for not knowing the details and latest developments of what's going on in the world and how people are reacting to changing circumstances, but I guess I kind of knew that people aren't living their best lives right now. Staying home is hard. Being productive in an environment where you usually relax is hard. But because I've worked from home since last September, I've assumed that I don't have the luxury of feeling exhausted.

And then someone who also works from home tells me it's okay to take it easy.

I can't take it.

I've automatically assumed that the growing resistance I have towards starting my next story is because I'm lazy, because I'm afraid I'll mess it up, because for the first time in a very long time I actually want to do this right - and that causes major fear for sitting down and doing the work. I haven't accepted the idea that the pandemic and its ramifications could be what's feeding the resistance. It would sound like such a cop out.

But what if it's true? What if the toll of not being able to work in a cafe from time to time, or take a staycation in a hotel, or go to the movies, or travel to another city, actually reaches into my ability to work altogether? What if it would be okay to take a week or two to just garden and read books and watch movies and take long walks in the woods and meditate and write poems?

Would I restore my ability and desire to work? Could it have an impact on resistance?

Immediately I think: no. I can't take a break. This is my work. This is what I do. If I am to take a day off, I must feel guilty about it. Every day that I don't work my butt off, my life loses meaning and resistance grows.

Sounds like I'm trying sound dramatic to justify being lazy, but I actually think that way and believe that the secret to a good life is working one's butt off.

Perhaps I just need to work the butt off in another project? Maybe writing is just too heavy a load right now?

How do I know if it'll be a step in the right direction, or in the wrong one?