Back to blue

. 2 min read

So I mentioned (or ranted) last month that I'd been feeling anhedonia for a while and that I thought it was about gut issues and that I should work the shit out. I speculated that going out to work would help. And it did, it did. I loved working in cafes, producing whatever content or books I was working on.

But then, somehow suddenly out of the blue everything is fucking shit again. I don't remember anything ever working in the past. Nothing feels right. Nothing functions right. Working doesn't feel right, writing doesn't feel right, even ditching work and watching a movie doesn't feel right.

I'm thinking about those gut issues again and realize that I'd had some vegetables recently, a little cucumber on rye bread during the week and then some cauliflower on Thursday and then three carrots on Friday and then a zucchini on Saturday, and then on Sunday I felt I needed to have something with a very high fat content so I made a cheddar frittata with butter and sour cream and felt better and decided to have only eggs and cheese and steak and high-fat ice cream for the rest of the day - but now on Monday morning I feel like crying again, although not anhedonia per se, so I'm thinking maybe it's the ice cream and if I only had eggs and steak and cheese all would be fine soon, but then again I have a history with restrictive eating and I'm not sure if I want to go down that obsessive path again that would imprison my life.

End rant.

Maybe it's the heat. Or maybe I still haven't found a project that would actually give value to people or make their lives better.

Rationally, I know I've been happy and content in the past, even if I can't remember what it was like. So it's at least theoretically possible that I could be happy and content again in the future. But if I know how to do it, how to turn the tide and get to the better life, I don't remember. If I wrote a roadmap, I don't recall doing it. I don't know where I put it. I don't know how to do it.

I'm stuck. And it's my responsibility to unstuck myself.