Freedom and fear: a personal account

. 1 min read

When I quit my job and became a full-time writer, I thought the sense of liberation and freedom would carry me over any obstacle. I wasn't afraid of the lack of security, or the unknown, or the difficulty of managing myself. I stormed into the adventure like I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Little did I know that the fear would come later; once I had committed myself to this new life plan.

Soon enough, the fears emerged. Uncertain thoughts. What if I chose wrong? What if I'm wasting my education? What if I'll never reach my full potential like this? What if life will be settling and just not enough, forever? What if this can't fully satisfy me? What if I wake up tomorrow and have lost the little skill I had? What will I do then?

In response, there's the little voice that says, this path is the only thing that has never left you alone in your life.

And then there's the much louder voice that says, with a deep baritone, if you spend another year not working in the field of your degree, no one will ever hire you back into it.

And the little voice replies, but I hated it, so it doesn't matter, because I wouldn't have wanted back anyway.

And then the baritone retorts, but we both know you love making technical drawings and 3D models.

And the little voice says, barely audible, yes... but there's no way that's my full potential...

And the baritone, despite having no face, looks at me smugly, knowing he's won the argument.

Feeling uninspired regularly doesn't help. But writing and shipping regularly does. And then, everything changes and makes sense again, even if momentarily.

Sometimes, all you have is the little voice.

Perhaps you should give him a megaphone.


Photo by Henry Ravenscroft on Unsplash