I hate paying bills that seem immoral to me. Like mandatory pension account. I know, for a fact, that I will never see that money again. I know I will never retire, or if for some reason I will, I know I'll need to pay for my living expenses some other way than that pension fund I seem to have been paying for all these years. From my perspective, I might as well be pouring money down the drain every month. (In reality, that money goes to pay the pension of other people retired right now, but that doesn't make it moral to me.)
Combine that with the fact that they (the pension fund organization) saw fit to raise the amount I have to pay every month (apparently, I make too much money to be paying the bare minimum), and combine that with paying the bill at a moment when most of my money is tied in investments that aren't immediately liquid, and voilà, my scarcity mindset is there again, ready to wreak havoc.
Men aren't like this, by the way. They aren't as threatened by poverty. Most women want to get rich to feel secure - to feel like they aren't going to die immediately if crap hits the fan - to feel like they'll be okay, even if they lost their income.
Rationally, I know I'm not going to die.
Rationally, I know that numbers on a screen are just numbers on a screen.
Rationally, I know that I can liquidate my investments if I need to, I can make tons of new money if I need to, and I have a rich partner to support me if I need it.
But man, was there an immediate feeling of... entrapment? Prison? Being stuck? A dead end street? Suffocation? Death?
I felt like quitting my business and becoming
- a housewife, or
- an employee for some other business.
Option 1? I'd never handle it. I'd die from the lack of meaningful projects to kill the time.
Option 2? Well, fine - just as long it's not the kind of work I had before, the kind that made me hate life, cry in the bathroom, soothe my pain with an entire cake every night after work, and eventually, quit my job to start my own publishing company.
(Although with option 2, I'd still be paying for a pension account, only this time, it would be automatically deducted from my paycheck instead of me having to actively pay the bills - equally immoral.)
Then there's option 3: living off the land and not receiving money from any source, employer or customer, ever again. The same problem from option 1 remains, though.
No wonder I feel stuck.
And icky.
Maybe if I made more money, I wouldn't notice the amount of money I lose to the pension system every month - especially if I managed to outsource the whole paying process.
But if I did that, they'd be sure to again raise the amount I have to pay every month according to my rising income.
(Another thing I hate is progressive income tax, by the way.)
I feel so discouraged by all of this.
Depressed RK out (to meditate myself out of this stuckness).
