For whatever reason, I had a hard time sleeping last night. Perhaps because my thoughts were revolving around my character arc. Or perhaps I thought about it because I couldn't sleep. It's a vicious cycle either way.
Here's what I put together:
- When I was a child, I was outgoing and social, just like everyone else.
- Then something happened, and I became closed up, an introvert, and I didn't have any friends. I thought that everyone else was more talented than me, prettier than me, more likable than me. If people didn't hate me, I counted it as a success.
- I found some friends online, but I was constantly worried that they thought I was cringeworthy, and this mentality probably became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
- When I moved to a new city and had to find a new job, I decided that I would just become positive and outgoing and an extrovert who had an easy time getting a job, meeting people, and making friends. I faked it and made it, got a job, then got a better job, and made friends at the university.
- Then, after some time of faking the extroversion, it finally began to exhaust me. To alienate people and thus have some breathing room again, I began subconsciously sabotaging my progress by acting rude, cocky, and overconfident. I succeeded quite nicely. I lost at least two friends I made at uni, and for some reason, I feel a negative physical reaction in my body whenever I'm near the campus or think about it.
- Having had time to breathe alone, and having found God, I'm now at a place where I can have one or two good friends and be as introverted and awkward and silent with them as I need to, without feeling like the social interaction exhausts me and without needing to sabotage myself with rude behavior.
As much as I claim to take pride in being an ice queen, I actually like being friendly to people. I just need to make sure I don't do it to make them like me, because then the self-sabotage will start again.
I don't think I need to fear that possibility anymore, though: my survival no longer depends on being outgoing, and I no longer have a desperate need to make friends.
(Also, note to self: try to sleep at night. Don't think about stuff like this.)
