I woke up yet again this morning feeling like life has no meaning. I didn't feel like doing anything. Nothing was interesting. It's called anhedonia, apparently - not feeling anything, happy or sad, not being able to enjoy things you usually enjoy, emotional flatlining.
If you've never experienced it, let me tell you: it's not fun. At all. It's the kind of not-fun that just the idea of it never ending makes me think about seppuku.
When this happened the last time, I was convinced it was because of gut issues, and the anhedonia disappeared during the day as I abstained from vegetables and only ate eggs, cheese, and candy. But today I've only had eggs, bacon, and candy. I also took a walk and went bike riding and took a shower and prayed. Yet the feeling remained. So what gives?!
I'm seriously pissed about this. I'm not getting enough work done. I feel emptiness and suffering all the time. A life like this is no life at all.
Which means I need to sort this out asap so I can get back to living to the fullest, which for me means devoting myself to meaningful work, which creates happiness as a side product.
If dietary choices have no effect, and walking has no effect, and showering has no effect, and even prayer has no effect, what else is there?!
Working more?
But how can I enjoy work when work feels unenjoyable? Can I force myself to enjoy it?
I'm so full of dread that I don't identify with. I feel like I need to let go of the old and embrace the new. Reinvent myself. Create new hobbies and routines.
I've been told cafes are reopening next week, so my plan - which, surprisingly, I'm actually and positively excited about - is to go out to work every day. It'll be something I haven't done in months. I'll go to a new cafe where I haven't worked before. I'll purchase a new outfit for work. I'll wake up early. I'll go to the gym. I'll start at least three new business ventures. I'll behave and treat myself like the boss I am. I'll grind my butt off.
Maybe that'll help.
RK
