Here's a confession: no matter how vehemently I deny it, no matter how strongly I declare to be an INTJ, I still sometimes think about all the embarrassing stuff I've done in my life. I seem to have this theory that the more you dwell on it, the more numb you become to it, and when you're numb, you can't be hurt. No one can embarrass you by pointing out how cringe you are if you already agree with the statement.
So, come yesterday, I'm suddenly dwelling on that stuff again, for the first time in a surprisingly long time. But this time, I have an idea. What if I declare it all here on WIP, for the whole world to see, instead of just thinking about it? What if I directed the energy outward for a change?
Therefore, here it is, a list of the embarrassing stuff I've been up to in my life and that sometimes dwells in my head:
- I once called my teacher "dad". In elementary school. I was around 10. When he didn't react, I kept saying the word, until he finally grinned at me and I realized my mistake. So cringe. I'm sure no one in history has ever made a similar mistake.
- I once sent a hand-written letter to a classmate in junior high. In the letter, I thanked him for "being there" when I was going through a rough time (my parents' divorce), although I'm sure he knew nothing about my life nor his influence in my well-being. In retrospect, I suppose it gave stalker vibes.
- I once printed out some lines from a selection of poems by different amateur authors I knew from an online forum with a poetry thread. I glued the lines onto the cover of a notebook I carried around to write my own poems in. I thought it was a nice touch - until one of those authors saw the notebook and his lines on the cover. Again, stalker vibes.
- I once sent a sweaty T-shirt to my ex, haha! What did I think was going to happen as a result?
- I once was at a pre-Christmas party at the place of a friend of a friend. Another girl there whom I didn't know beforehand asked me what I studied, and I told her. Then she asked where I studied it, and before I could answer, she made a fairly good guess based on my field of study, albeit the wrong one. But here's the thing: she had guessed a school that was significantly lower tier than the one I studied at (imagine state university versus an Ivy League one), and I was offended that she didn't guess the top tier school. I mean, do I look stupid to you? was probably what I was thinking. I told her she was being horribly offensive, and I hope it came out more like a joke, but based on how everyone else around us were looking at me, it probably didn't. While I hope I'm not as bad of a jerk anymore, I can't really know for sure, knowing that that kind of douchebagness has at least sometime existed in my character.
- I sometimes forget that there are other people in public places and say something to my partner in a normal voice instead of a whisper, or instead of shutting up completely. Like point out chocolate I like. Or a tabloid headline we had discussed earlier.
- Speaking of shutting up... I once told my little sister to shut up (or something like that, only more rude, the literal translation being "close your head"). This probably doesn't sound as bad as it was, but since I never use that kind of language, it was pretty bad. I had to apologize.
Now that I look at that list, I don't think it's actually that bad.
Which was probably the point of this exercise - to realize that it's not that bad.
I'm sure someone else has a worse list.
And I'm sure that people always think their own lists are the worst of them all.
