I think I figured it out.
A week ago, I speculated that the reason I was feeling unenergetic and thus being unproductive was either the ramifications of the pandemic, or just general laziness on my part.
Then I made some changes and now, everything works. I feel happy. I feel like smiling all the time. I smile at strangers, which I never do. I smile at the rain and the green scenery in my back yard. I feel great even if I don't work all day, while at the same time feel like work is great and I want to do it, be it 5 minutes or 5 hours. There's no hate, no grudge, no resentment. Everything feels right.
Who would have known the answer was, yet again, in diet.
A cliche, I know, especially coming from me - someone who has noticed the effects of diet again and again in the past. This time, I thought I had solved the problem by just cutting out high FODMAP foods (broccoli, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, watermelon, apples) and replacing them with zero or low FODMAP foods (cucumber, spinach, tomato, carrot, grapes). I was fairly convinced that those latter foods couldn't possibly hurt me, so even if the FODMAP theory turned out to be bullcrap, a placebo effect would take care of everything.
Except that it didn't. I felt really bad. Actually, I didn't feel anything. Neither good or bad. Just nothing.
Until on Tuesday, after a spinach-tomato-pepper-frittata breakfast that left me in tears and googling mental health services, I decided to try something that had worked before: I abstained from all fruits and vegetables for the rest of the day, and only ate cheese omelets and candy and beef.
A few hours later, everything had turned around.
By the evening, I was working happily and feeling confident.
The next morning, the world was perfect just the way it was; there was nothing standing in my way; I loved everything, and everything was full of light. I decided to continue eating only eggs and candy. I smiled at every single thing, all day.
Based on this experiment, it would seem that my gut prefers simple carbohydrates, like candy, over vegetables and fruit. And most importantly, it seems to prefer eggs and fat.
I know a diet that consists of eggs, butter, and candy, void of vegetables, doesn't sound like a very healthy diet. I agree. It doesn't sound like it. But it keeps me in a good place mentally. And right now, that matters more to me than my physical health. Who knows, those might be the same thing.
What is healthy to someone else is not necessarily healthy to you. You're not the masses, you're not your friend or your family member. Try out what works best for you. Only you can know the answer.